It was not like HG was distant with me–but it did require a bit more patience. I knew my feelings for him were growing and I knew, something was brewing in him for me too. I became more curious about HG and wanted to know more about his past. I strongly believe that learning just enough about someone’s past gives you an important perspective on the person you are growing feelings for. It helps you understand more clearly why they are the way they are in the present–plus it allows the person that they can start to feel that it is safe.
I ask questions because I care. I care about HG–but I knew I had to pace things with him. He said to talk about the past brings negativity–but to me it does not. I am never ever the type of person to judge or gossip. What I didn’t know is that it still brought him pain. If I had known sooner–if only I asked–I know things would have pivoted differently. I would have suggested to HG to seek closure on all that pain he feels and for him to know he has me as not just a lover, but his friend. More than anything at this point, I wanted to be a good friend to him. I wanted him to know that I listen and that I care about his feelings.
It takes time for our guards to drop–exposing our vulnerability isn’t an easy thing to do. The difference between him and I —I was able to talk about anything in my past, as it no longer brought me pain. I have grown immensely in a myriad of ways. I have learned to always stay true to myself–but it was during these months with HG, that wasn’t always the case. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him, I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. I just wanted him to be happy and live our present day together. So I tucked away a bit of my true self to avoid any unpleasantries. I had decided to have faith because things happen as they are meant to.