This was a Saturday. And the last time I saw HG.
[Quick look back: On Jan 4th, I was building him an office chair (his Hanukkah present came in late) and that was also the day I found out everything.
I didn’t know what to do with it. It is embroidered and non refundable so there goes my $200 for another thoughtful gift that I now have no idea what he has finally done with it.
I have no closure on that chair. ]
I decided that I still want to give him the chair. The gift was for him and I just need to let that go.
He saw me putting the chair on his doorstep (he was just coming home)–and we went inside and proceeded to have a “heart to heart”.. and even now I think about how this conversation was probably my closure.
Through the harshness.. I was still sad when we were talking. I wasn’t thinking all that clearly. I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know if he misses me, if he thinks about me. Which he says he does. He also said that he feels guilty being with me and doesn’t think it will work because I will have his tryst in the back of my mind. I explained to him I know what it is to have a clean slate. That his tryst will not be in the back of my mind but behind us. The past is the past. He said that he doesn’t know how he could face my family and friends again (because I told him I told everyone) and I explained to him that they are not judgmental ppl and they know that whatever I decide to do with my personal life is my call.
I asked him if he wants me. His answer? “I don’t know.” I was shocked. Hurt. How could he not know? He went on to further say “I am a fool and I regret what happened. I am sorry.”
I gave him a hug and he said he feels guilt. The weirdness was already setting in for him. Me? I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare –I wanted to go back in time –but I know that’s impossible.. we can only go forward in time. Move on with time. Move forward and hope for the best.
“I need time.” is what he concluded. That he wants to go see a therapist and find out what about him has changed since his divorce. For him to really look into himself and be a whole and better man. I wasn’t sure to believe him–but my heart told me he was telling me the truth. I asked him “So are you just going to let some guy scoop me up?” ..and he said “How can we maintain this?” I said to him I am leaving the lines of communication open. For him to reach out when he is ready.
It has been 1.5 months since .. and I have not heard from him. Yes, I still do wonder if he will. But I refuse to be the one to reach out.