Jan 7th, 2017

This was a Saturday. And the last time I saw HG.

[Quick look back: On Jan 4th, I was building him an office chair (his Hanukkah present came in late) and that was also the day I found out everything.

I didn’t know what to do with it. It is embroidered and non refundable so there goes my $200 for another thoughtful gift that I now have no idea what he has finally done with it.

I have no closure on that chair. ]

I decided that I still want to give him the chair. The gift was for him and I just need to let that go.

He saw me putting the chair on his doorstep (he was just coming home)–and we went inside and proceeded to have a “heart to heart”.. and even now I think about how this conversation was probably my closure.

Through the harshness.. I was still sad when we were talking. I wasn’t thinking all that clearly. I just wanted to know why. I wanted to know if he misses me, if he thinks about me. Which he says he does. He also said that he feels guilty being with me and doesn’t think it will work because I will have his tryst in the back of my mind. I explained to him I know what it is to have a clean slate. That his tryst will not be in the back of my mind but behind us. The past is the past. He said that he doesn’t know how he could face my family and friends again (because I told him I told everyone) and I explained to him that they are not judgmental ppl and they know that whatever I decide to do with my personal life is my call.

I asked him if he wants me. His answer? “I don’t know.” I was shocked. Hurt. How could he not know? He went on to further say “I am a fool and I regret what happened. I am sorry.”

I gave him a hug and he said he feels guilt. The weirdness was already setting in for him. Me? I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare –I wanted to go back in time –but I know that’s impossible.. we can only go forward in time. Move on with time. Move forward and hope for the best.

“I need time.” is what he concluded. That he wants to go see a therapist and find out what about him has changed since his divorce. For him to really look into himself and be a whole and better man. I wasn’t sure to believe him–but my heart told me he was telling me the truth. I asked him “So are you just going to let some guy scoop me up?” ..and he said “How can we maintain this?” I said to him I am leaving the lines of communication open. For him to reach out when he is ready.

It has been 1.5 months since .. and I have not heard from him. Yes, I still do wonder if he will. But I refuse to be the one to reach out.

 

Jan 4, 2017

The day that everything happened. The day that my world with HG was turned upside down in a matter of seconds.

My two friends, MT and JS, from my previous job, texted me simultaneously telling me they need to talk to me ASAP and it was about HG. I couldn’t understand what they meant as neither of them have met HG yet. I thought they were just kidding around as they sometimes do.

MT and JS 3 way called me to let me know that HG was messing around when he went to Puerto Rico for Christmas. I had posted a picture of HG and I from New Years on social media and as it turns out the girl he was with, IG—well, we have a mutual friend on social media– then one thing led to another and I got all the videos of them dancing and kissing. My heart dropped and I screamed at my phone. I could NOT believe what I was watching.

Fortunately, MT was there when this happened because he just knew that I was going to need someone there when I received the “evidence”. He drove straight from work on his break and fed me strength in that moment telling me “forget that cheater and liar.” My head was spinning— I was devastated. What on EARTH did I do to deserve this? like WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WHAT THE FUCK! I have given HG every opportunity to be honest and straight with me–was I that blind? was it wrong of me to be so trusting? I couldn’t understand it. I still don’t. I never deserved this from him, or just ever, period.

Continuation below is written 2/19/2017:

How was it, that this man was so excited to be with me and talk about me to his coworkers, his friends, his family—sabotage? None of that makes sense to me. I mean, was he getting bored? No–just selfish. We had a great thing going and he ruined something that was meant to be the greatest testament to finding happiness and love in another person, again. Not my fault that he is weak minded–that he doesn’t know what he truly wants–he just wants to be a school boy and see if he can get away with it and try again later. Like touching the already hot stove burner. Makes no sense. But he is someone that needs to make sense on his damn self.

He needs to catch up and make his own mistakes no matter the maturity or age. Its quite pathetic actually. Like,  a grown man, who doesn’t know how to let go of one thing so he can have the best thing ever. Ridiculous, no, LUDICROUS. Like, I am absofuckinglutely vulnerable to you and you did this? Without thinking of consequences? If I was what you truly wanted “after all”, then why didn’t you just cur things off with IG for GOOD ONE TIME. Bye! Weak, selfish.. thank God I found out what you did now instead of later down the  road, surely you would have tried again– how do I know this? I know the cheater’s mind. Its the rush, its the satisfying guilty pleasure that we felt jipped out of when were once actually happy and loyal people. Trust me, I know. And I am being real and honest as I am opening myself to this nook and cranny.

I have discovered how to unlock minds by understanding empathy–which is my strong suit. Empathy is my strong suit, moreso than loyalty, believe it or not. Loyalty is extremely important, and even more so to have faith so you can trust in loyalty once you have been stabbed… sometimes even gutted. How do you get back up from? How do you survive? How do you think you can just get up and move on as normal after something like that? How many fucking articles and memes and advice columns can you read about the psyche about why anyone would do this to another person and if there is a chance of survival and actually making it through. It is insane to me that this actually a choice a human can make–why aren’t we wired to just find a life mate? Why can’t monogamy actually exist between two people? It depends where you are, how you were raised, the things you say, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, who your friends are, the job you have, the neighborhood you live in, the type of home you have. How can we judge on the surface when even the “good ones” are capable of causing so much damage.

HG sent me a text message apologizing on this day (and even sent me a dozen roses the next day, quite beautiful bouquet, which I ended up giving to the security guard), and I know its because he is feeling the guilt already. He is feeling his own shock of his own self-sabotage. He know he is a different man and he will have to change and be different again. Either for the worse or for the better. I am pretty sure, knowing the kind of man he is, he is changing for the better, but only when he is ready and only if and when he really wants to. And of course, what also hurts, is that this happened on my expense.

I know I should not even bother writing about this.. or think about it.. as it is clear that HG has moved on. or the very least has let go. I know what is coming for him tho. He will find someone that is for him again when he is ready. Who knows when that will be and who knows who that will be. All I know is that I am alone again. But better to be alone than being lied to in the face everyday for who knows how much longer that could have stayed in.

His excuse? He got “carried away”. He even spent the whole day with her and his friends AFTER he slept with her. What a fucking jerk and liar.

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Things

I was perfectly happy.  I truly was. I was already a happy woman when I met HG. I was happy with him too. “Super happy!” as he would tell me.  It felt great again to have someone to care for, to have fun with, experience firsts with, to have lots of great sex, to laugh with, to make jokes with, to talk about whatever topics, to be dorks with, to go the beach, have a picnic, go to fun shows, watch shows and movies with, try out restaurants or places neither of us has been to yet, to dance with, and dance for. Haha. I remember the night I belly danced for him. I am such an overachiever some times. I think back on that and I laugh at myself not because I am making fun of myself (well maybe a little), but because I actually had a good time doing that and I had fun doing something different for him, something I haven’t done for anyone before.

I got these disco lights in my living room and I remember the night we came back from Ball & Chain, I turned off apt lights and turned on the disco ones and played some Daft Punk. Did a little sexy dance for him then. He was clearly enjoying it too.

I swear it. I had many smiles with HG. I remember trying to be innovative in the kitchen and I baked this cinnamon apple pie for our picnic at Kennedy Park in Coconut Grove. Never made a pie like that before. Turned out to be yummy and the picnic ants thought so too! We laid there on the blanket, I made him my “crazy” sandwich. He totally loved munching on that. Everything homemade and delicious. He had never been there and I wanted it to be a nice time. I even introduced him to ACEE’s Icees Lemonade. Swear, it is the best lemonade you can find in Miami. The best. Ridiculously good. HG loved it. Of course, I loved it that he loved it.  He got to know a bit more about my childhood days, as the Grove was where I grew up until my parents and I moved to Brasil (when we came back, my teenage years were in Miami Shores). I have never taken a friend or a boyfriend to ACEE’s.. it was a sweet moment for me, too.

It felt good.. really good…  I enjoyed all my time with him. I just wish it was at the right timing for him. I came into this with no baggage. Time is a healer and it really brings all kinds of perspectives. I am not perfect by any means. We are all capable of lying and burying them but the worst is when you least expect it. What happened, I did not expect at all. 

I don’t want my “better half”, I want another whole person to be with me. I felt sure that HG, prime and climbing his way up in his career, independent, having his own home, invested in me, good family and good friends.. led me to believe that he was a whole person as well. I felt lucky, I felt blessed.

While you may think these were signs of me falling in love.. it was more of me growing a love and care for this person I have in my life. Falling in love is a big deal for me. I take that with utmost precaution. I was sure those special type of feelings were going to come with HG, but the exciting part was actually looking forward to when that moment was going to happen, when you least expect it. I am just a naturally nice and kind woman and that’s why I do the sweet things I do. Obviously, I did more for HG–I opened my heart to him and him only. It was 

I wanted to show him my world..I wanted him to get to know me. Even tho we were only together a short time, I felt I gave a lot of myself to HG and I felt he put in the effort too. I was beginning to feel safe. I enjoyed my time with him, even in those moments we sat in silence, just relaxing.. it felt good just having him next to me. I loved smoking, getting high with him, and make awesome munchies. Everything felt like smooth sailing—listening to good music, in each other’s arms, our warmth from our bodies pressing against each other. The comfort his breathing into my neck as we snuggled. I loved his “scent”. I would smell my pillows, wear his shirt and boxers. I enjoyed his kind and sweet words to me.   Our morning kisses and hugs were so sweet–so were the night ones. I loved giving him “butterfly kisses” using our eyelashes. Our kisses were the best. We had a variety of them : I-been-missing-you-kisses, Kiss-me-because-its-been-more-than-5 minutes, I-am-so-high-kisses, so-good-to-see-you-kisses, haha-thats-funny kisses, you-make-me-happy kisses, I’m-horny-kisses, romantic kisses, I-love-this-song kisses, and many others. I enjoyed our PDA and we were always affectionate. I was happy caressing him and rubbing him–I couldn’t stop when I started. Hehe, I enjoyed spoiling him in that way. I also enjoyed cooking for him. One of my favorite dinners was “vaca frita” night.. so we got caught up in a moment and I had mistakenly left the steak on for too long .. these beautiful prime rib eye steaks.. became “vaca frita” hilarious!  But I made up for it some time after.. I got stone crab claws, prime rib eye and cooked the best mac n cheese ever. Ever.

I loved that time he came over my place and he had to finish up some work. I didn’t mind not one bit. I baked cookies that day. He loved them. I played some music as he worked. It was a nice evening, chillin’. He was sitting on the couch on his laptop, working on a deck. I remember thinking to myself, I can do this with him any time. I also appreciated all his help and patience with me during my time of unemployment. I am thankful that we have communicated with each other about my situations and about his stuff–because this only confirms even further for me that I did everything possible to make this a happy and open courtship. It was a delicate time for me–as I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do careerwise anymore. I guess you can say I was a bit all over the place with that. There were days I wanted to work already, and others I wanted to travel, or enjoy being unemployed. I had a lot of pressure from my family about securing a job. Not to mention, my best friends had moved out of Miami–so there was a lot of alone time and I felt I had to reconnect with old friends so I can occupy my nights and not be a bother to HG. Not to say I was ever a bother, I wanted to make sure he had his space too. A guy needs to miss his girl. 

HG is a gentleman, always treated me like a lady and making sure I was happy. I enjoyed all his gifts. Setting up the Apple TV was hilarious! Eating ice cream together whether it was Jackson’s or Swensen’s or just at home–homemade desserts… chocolate lovers! Joy! We had fun partying together, meeting friends, spending time with our people. Learning that I am a distant relative of his BFF. My grandpa was his great uncle or something like that. 

At first I was hesitant about his cat, Luca. But I grew to love that cat. He is the coolest and funniest cat. You know, I may be a great drawer, but I am a horrible painter. Like, really, amateur painter. Kids in elementary can paint better than me. As a Christmas “joke” gift, I decided to paint Luca. Even tho, its not the best looking cat painting (hahaha), I was nervous to give it to him. HG’s reaction to it was the best. “AAWWW, I love it!!” I could not stop laughing.  When I ordered the office chair.. lesson learned on a count of two things = 1) ask myself if that was actually a good idea for a gift 2) the embroidery “HG” came out a lot bigger than I expected. I was hoping for something more tasteful and on the miniscule side. Hahaha.. but thought it was funny and that he would have a laugh about it too. Probably just keep the chair in his apt or give it to his brother or Ruben.

I loved the time we went to see a Flamenco show together. That was great! We had such an awesome time. We walked back home  from the Arsht Center. It was a nice walk, and a nice day (we saw the matinee show). I kept our tickets, such a good memory. It was also the date we opened up a bit more. We had many fun dates and all I wanted was us to be happy in the moment. 

The sex was always fun, sexy, sweet.. kissing each other all over.. our hands everywhere. I let him touch me wherever he wanted, my inhibitions were at nil. I never felt insecure with him. I love my body–I didn’t care if were fucking in broad daylight or in darkness. I had fun sending him nudes and videos. King of the North! Haha! He said he was insecure about something, but I made sure that he was very very happy… and successfully so.

On our second date, we went walking around Lincoln Rd holding hands and people walking all around us until this one girl was going to walk right between us but I didn’t allow that to happen. My hand was to stay in his. Simple. It was the date where we didn’t want it to end. We were having so much fun. We exhausted ourselves, until I asked him if I could come over to his place… which ended up being the first time I slept over. It was the first time in a long long time I felt this blissful happiness.

We were sleeping over each other’s homes.. weeknights and weekends.. we were a couple, “official” or not, just two adults forming a real relationship from a sweet friendship (clearly there was lust from our first date, but you know what I mean).  Of course it can be scary, as we are somewhat jaded individuals–but I didn’t allow that to come between us. I wanted us to bloom and I didn’t care about the time. The best things come with time.

I can go on about all the other things we have done and shared together– but I realized just this moment, I have to pause and think about it–my memories of us aren’t dulling but it’s taking a while to come out of my archives. I am writing all this down because these absolutely were the sweetest times.

 

His Mother..

This will be a short entry–but I used to think about this often when I was alone in my thoughts about HG.

His mother passed away more than 10 years ago and he has expressed that it feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago. I was happy that he shared this with me because it made me feel closer to him. I cannot imagine the pain he has suffered in his mom, Luna, passing.

What also hurt me about this was that his ex-wife, was his support during this tough time and gave him a ton of love (not only is this an assumption, but I’d like to think so, as 12 years with someone is a big deal)–until she didn’t. What a terrible thing to do, to hurt him and betray him (even then I didn’t know then the reason for their divorce, I just could not imagine leaving a marriage after so much. I knew it must have been something grave, but I wanted HG to talk me about that on his own volition).There is so much pain that goes with that. I didn’t ever feel sorry for him about this topic, but I wished he opened up more about it. Believe it or not, this does create a deeper connection and understanding. I am sure he knows that, but he has to want to that kind of connection with me.

I have seen a few pictures of Luna, and she was a beautiful woman. They both share the same smile, and what appears to be the same laugh. At least, I like to imagine so. I loved it when he shared stories about her, especially when I didn’t ask, it only meant to me that he was opening up to me and showed him that I cared. His father, Ruben, is a sweet old man, and pretty funny too–I can see where HG got his humor and charm. I really enjoyed meeting his family. They are such nice good people. It felt natural getting along with them and I was happy to be there. Of course, I felt a bit nervous that Thanksgiving dinner, but within a few moments, the worries washed away. It felt great to connect with a fun bunch and I am sure if Luna saw HG where he is in his life now, she would be proud of him. I know I have said this to HG before, and I sure he knew, I meant with all the care I offer.

 

 

 

Looking Back

It was not like HG was distant with me–but it did require a bit more patience. I knew my feelings for him were growing and I knew, something was brewing in him for me too. I became more curious about HG and wanted to know more about his past. I strongly believe that learning just enough about someone’s past gives you an important perspective on the person you are growing feelings for. It helps you understand more clearly why they are the way they are in the present–plus it allows the person that they can start to feel that it is safe.

I ask questions because I care. I care about HG–but I knew I had to pace things with him. He said to talk about the past brings negativity–but to me it does not. I am never ever the type of person to judge or gossip. What I didn’t know is that it still brought him pain. If I had known sooner–if only I asked–I know things would have pivoted differently. I would have suggested to HG to seek closure on all that pain he feels and for him to know he has me as not just a lover, but his friend. More than anything at this point, I wanted to be a good friend to him. I wanted him to know that I listen and that I care about his feelings.

It takes time for our guards to drop–exposing our vulnerability isn’t an easy thing to do. The difference between him and I —I was able to talk about anything in my past, as it no longer brought me pain. I have grown immensely in a myriad of ways. I have learned to always stay true to myself–but it was during these months with HG, that wasn’t always the case. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him, I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. I just wanted him to be happy and live our present day together. So I tucked away a bit of my true self to avoid any unpleasantries. I had decided to have faith because things happen as they are meant to.

 

 

 

It’s Just the Beginning…

Turns out HG and I have a lot in common–from sharing the same birthday, (October 24) to music tastes, food tastes, traveling ideas, work stuff, you name it.. not to mention the amazing sex chemistry we shared.. and how we always had sex, every time we saw each other. HG is delicious, I loved giving him blow jobs, fuck in every position, on many surfaces, and how I hard I would cum and orgasm. I made sure he came each…and…every..time too. It was effortless, fun, sweet, and did I mention sexy?

He made me feel sexy and I wanted to be sexy for him all the time. Not once during the time we were together, did I let myself go. I wanted to be my best. I always took care of myself, but I had further inspiration now. I wanted him to desire me every time he saw me. I wanted him to feel that he could not take his hands off of me.

…I just took a long pause.. at first because I was enjoying these thoughts but then woke up in my office (decided to work late again, I rarely go home “early” now unless it’s for sleep), realizing it’s not my reality and it hasn’t been for over a month now.

During the first couple of months dating HG, he was traveling a lot to KC and LA for work. I remembered when he came back from KC the second trip– it was first time he told me he missed me. Of course, I felt the same way and I let him know that I missed him too. And of course, we showed each other.

I loved the little gifts he would bring back from his trips, it showed me that he was thinking about me. I loved receiving his texts, photos— receiving those smiles from his pics. They always warmed my heart. Already a happy woman yet I felt like I was on Cloud 9 from even his simple gestures. I was always excited to see him and I was looking forward to getting to know him better.

The Beginning

On July 23rd 2016, I met HG on an online app called Happn. You may have or may not have heard of it before, but I was intrigued and more importantly, ready to date and hopefully possibly find love again after a few years break from my previous relationship.

At first, I was hesitant about online dating as it hasn’t worked out so much for me in the past, but HG—he was different. He was a breath of fresh air. We started texting non-stop and built excitement to finally meet for our first date which was set for July 27th.

We met for dinner and drinks at Beaker & Gray and I remember actually feeling excited to meet him and was looking forward to this date. I made sure my makeup and mani-pedi were on point. I straightened my long dark curly hair. I wore gray skinny jeans and a simple white fitted tee with minimal jewelry and gray open toe laced up boots.

I Ubered there, as I didn’t want to drink and drive-I remember I wanted to give my very best first impression. I even Googled, printed out and studied 1st date questions  to ask him– just to make sure that I was ready (fortunately, the conversation flowed the entire night). I was the first one to arrive and I picked out a table by the window where it was quiet enough to hear each other talk. I looked out the window, and there was HG. Jeans, black dress shoes, and a dark green button down shirt (looked so nice on him).

When he walked in, he was all smiles. I was instantly attracted to him. I got up to say hi and kiss him on the cheek–he smelled good! And that smile hasn’t left his face at all….until Jan 7th –which was the last time I saw him.

Needless to say, it was a wonderful first date. Yes, we kissed. Yeah, we made out, hehe. He gave me ride back home, kissed in his VW (jetta or passat?) as he told me “me tienes loco” over and over. Obviously, I was enjoying this attention, but something told me that this was not just a casual thing–my heart wanted to believe it was something more. And so I gave in, I allowed my heart to believe, to have faith—to risk now or never find out (but at a good respectable pace of course, as I believe there is plenty of time to truly know someone and let it blossom organically to something beautiful). We kissed some more and made plans to see each other that Sunday. I couldn’t wait! How good it felt, to connect with HG in such a sweet beginning.

My girl friends then picked me up, as they were in my neighborhood and wanted to hear all about my date with HG. They were so happy for me. I noticed the sprinklers were on at a the park and I suggested that we run through them. And we did! It was in the middle of the night–but what a wonderful evening.. had the most excellent date and capped it off with my best friends running through the sprinklers and feeling full hearts.