Decoding You

Decoding love for all is impossible. Decoding love for yourself is not.

As humans we make all kinds of mistakes all the time and we can only hope that we learn those lessons and learn something about ourselves. That is what is important.

I’ve fallen in love a few times. I am lucky I can say that. Now, how is that lucky?

Because I learned from them, didn’t matter whose fault it was or the reasons why they ended. They just did. Period. It was tremendous growth and has made me a better person for ME–so when the next (and hopefully last) partner comes in my life, I will be ready.

Albeit, I was definitely ready in my previous what was ‘the closest to a relationship I had’. Or so, those were his words (we did talk about exclusivity and he told me had no desire for any one else, but I digress).   To me, it was a wonderful time. I didn’t want to rush him and I never implied or pushed him. I was careful with my heart because I really liked him and our connection was truer than true. Almost too good. We had great communication, we had many things in common and in the things we didn’t we appreciated that about each other. We were never bored. We tried new things together. He was a gentleman and we never had an argument or a fight. The chemistry was on point and I felt safe with him.  It hurt me pretty awful when it ended. And it ended horribly. Being blindsided is something I do not wish on anyone. Some of it still stings today, but I know the real deal is out there for me. I am a catch! But I learned from this– I learned to read little red flags better, instead thinking that someone has pure intentions like me. I know there is such a person, I am one of them.

Anyhow, I was ready because I was single for a couple of years by choice.

Lets rewind to 2013: I had a horrible experience from that long term relationship and I decided after ending it that it was best that I take as much time needed to focus on me. While it was hard and I felt lonely sometimes, it was absolutely necessary. I got to do things and learn about myself without having to think about a boyfriend. During those long term relationship years, I was the girlfriend that put my boyfriend before me and that was a big mistake. It ended up making me resentful. I don’t wish to have that negative energy or any drama, so I needed that type of soul cleaning and truly love myself (until meeting someone over a year ago now changed my mind and my heart).

End of 2013-2015 and half of 2016: I am happy I had all that time to just figure things out on my own and live the life that I deserve.  2016, I was ready to have someone in my life again. Someone who was worth it and didn’t make me think twice about anything. Someone who was at my level in all aspects of that phrase “my level”. And I did last year around this time. He was great. He was amazing, until he was not. He failed because he wasn’t ready and he wanted to be selfish. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, just don’t hurt anyone in the process. Be a little less selfish and let the person go no matter how you feel about them. Easier said than done, I know but— Who knows, we could have met again when the timing is right for you and (you’d also would’ve given me the opportunity to do other things or meet ppl and I would have respected you so much more for respecting me). Still remain friends on social media. Still say nice things about you. Or miss you. But no. That didn’t happen because I deserve better. That is my conclusion. That is my closure.

When things between us ended, I was partyinggggggg like almost every day for a few months. LOL! I’ve met interesting new friends and men. I was even in a relationship (an actual one), and he was (and still is) good to me, but I wasn’t ready. There was no way I could just transfer the feelings I had for you to someone brand new just like that. Wasn’t fair to me nor to him. It wasn’t a rebound or someone for me to drop my baggage of you onto him. He is a genuine person and I wanted to genuinely see where it went.

Funny tho, when you’re not looking for love, that’s when it comes to you. That cliche is true.  And I’m talking about all kinds of love, not just the lovey-dovey romantic soulmate love. There’s family, friends, and whatever are your passions. So important to look into them and explore. Break up what doesn’t work for you and live for what does.

…I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

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Connect to only Disconnect

And a memory of you pops up..

Quotes from you:

  • “I haven’t felt this way in yearssss.”
  • “It feels so good to finally really connect with someone.”

I believed you without a doubt.

And then a quote also from you when I was blindsided:

  • “I’m an idiot.”

…Why yes, yes you are.