Decoding You

Decoding love for all is impossible. Decoding love for yourself is not.

As humans we make all kinds of mistakes all the time and we can only hope that we learn those lessons and learn something about ourselves. That is what is important.

I’ve fallen in love a few times. I am lucky I can say that. Now, how is that lucky?

Because I learned from them, didn’t matter whose fault it was or the reasons why they ended. They just did. Period. It was tremendous growth and has made me a better person for ME–so when the next (and hopefully last) partner comes in my life, I will be ready.

Albeit, I was definitely ready in my previous what was ‘the closest to a relationship I had’. Or so, those were his words (we did talk about exclusivity and he told me had no desire for any one else, but I digress).   To me, it was a wonderful time. I didn’t want to rush him and I never implied or pushed him. I was careful with my heart because I really liked him and our connection was truer than true. Almost too good. We had great communication, we had many things in common and in the things we didn’t we appreciated that about each other. We were never bored. We tried new things together. He was a gentleman and we never had an argument or a fight. The chemistry was on point and I felt safe with him.  It hurt me pretty awful when it ended. And it ended horribly. Being blindsided is something I do not wish on anyone. Some of it still stings today, but I know the real deal is out there for me. I am a catch! But I learned from this– I learned to read little red flags better, instead thinking that someone has pure intentions like me. I know there is such a person, I am one of them.

Anyhow, I was ready because I was single for a couple of years by choice.

Lets rewind to 2013: I had a horrible experience from that long term relationship and I decided after ending it that it was best that I take as much time needed to focus on me. While it was hard and I felt lonely sometimes, it was absolutely necessary. I got to do things and learn about myself without having to think about a boyfriend. During those long term relationship years, I was the girlfriend that put my boyfriend before me and that was a big mistake. It ended up making me resentful. I don’t wish to have that negative energy or any drama, so I needed that type of soul cleaning and truly love myself (until meeting someone over a year ago now changed my mind and my heart).

End of 2013-2015 and half of 2016: I am happy I had all that time to just figure things out on my own and live the life that I deserve.  2016, I was ready to have someone in my life again. Someone who was worth it and didn’t make me think twice about anything. Someone who was at my level in all aspects of that phrase “my level”. And I did last year around this time. He was great. He was amazing, until he was not. He failed because he wasn’t ready and he wanted to be selfish. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, just don’t hurt anyone in the process. Be a little less selfish and let the person go no matter how you feel about them. Easier said than done, I know but— Who knows, we could have met again when the timing is right for you and (you’d also would’ve given me the opportunity to do other things or meet ppl and I would have respected you so much more for respecting me). Still remain friends on social media. Still say nice things about you. Or miss you. But no. That didn’t happen because I deserve better. That is my conclusion. That is my closure.

When things between us ended, I was partyinggggggg like almost every day for a few months. LOL! I’ve met interesting new friends and men. I was even in a relationship (an actual one), and he was (and still is) good to me, but I wasn’t ready. There was no way I could just transfer the feelings I had for you to someone brand new just like that. Wasn’t fair to me nor to him. It wasn’t a rebound or someone for me to drop my baggage of you onto him. He is a genuine person and I wanted to genuinely see where it went.

Funny tho, when you’re not looking for love, that’s when it comes to you. That cliche is true.  And I’m talking about all kinds of love, not just the lovey-dovey romantic soulmate love. There’s family, friends, and whatever are your passions. So important to look into them and explore. Break up what doesn’t work for you and live for what does.

…I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

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Still and Now

Still and Now

A Song By Midtown Savage (Blog Contributor)

Crazy how wisdom evolves in life
Sometimes I wonder what’s the purpose
and how to get past the strife

I know I’m not the only one; others can relate
But this time I’m speaking up; I won’t hesitate
We can’t go against the truths; they won’t dissipate
No time for “what ifs” but we can better communicate

Old love doing new things in the Navy
Old friend Christmas flashbacks in Haiti
Forgot about a hypocrite in New York
Until years later she butt-dialed me when I don’t have her number any more

“Hello?”

I used to have a stalker
Following me around like a “Walker”
He’s not coming back; he’s dead
And I’m alive; already way ahead

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

Rest in Peace to a Beauty at nineteen
I’ll never forget who you were and who you still are
The true Queen
My bright shining star

For the last few “single” years
I’m doing me with no fears
Then recently I met you, a lesson in disguise
Here I am ready to love, imagine my surprise
The rug pulled from underneath
I was lied to, a Saint Peter’s wreath

You’re solely the one to blame
Selfish, you played a game
Not a word, nothing, nada
Radio silence, you failed like the Spanish Armada

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

I’ve moved on, my talents bloom
My heart in colors; in song
Ugliness and negativity, there’s no room
We don’t get along

Life has a beautiful way to remind you who was always there
Lessons learned, blessings received, breaths of fresh air
For the love and support, I’m thankful
For my strength and integrity, I’m grateful

Only new love by the book
Smart, fun, and sexy good looks
Love those dimples, baby, my little heart crook

Time does help with what you’ve been thru
Reminder, there are more adventures to look forward to

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

My Truth

Oh you know.. just daydreaming.

Dear —,

I want to kiss you, feel our bodies warmth–our touch. I want to fall and rise in love with my best friend. Ride off into the sunset together and come home to each other. I want a family, sure I do–whether it ends up just being me and you or miracles of our own, I am happy. Whatever happens to either one of us or both of us we are each other’s support system. Let’s get married and love each other in every way possible. Kiss my entire body. Kiss your entire body. Worship our bodies. Nourish each other’s souls. Faithful, loyal, trust and sheer will is in my blood–offer me the same.

Be absolutely ridiculously happy.

Love,

Elena