Nostalgia

Written by: Asha

Nostalgia is the bite of a no-see-um mosquito: quick and painless but it itches like crazy.

It’s 1:45 a.m. on Friday morning and this week, much like this past summer, has been a whirlwind. I was jobless for 4 months. I got in a car accident that I was fortunate walk away from. I got to travel, see friends, and visit my family. I threw myself into my faith and stayed obedient with my work (and tithing) at church. And I was blessed with a job opportunity a little over a week ago. I start on Monday.

My mind is racing. When I lost my job, it was right one time. Although I wasn’t expecting it, I can’t say it came as a complete surprise. I knew the time would come sooner or later. I’d been telling everyone around me that I knew this job wasn’t my forever. It paid well and the benefits were amazing — just enough to keep me but not to keep my happy. Not enough to keep me there forever.

Shortly before I was laid off, I’d been praying for development. Well, God definitely answers prayers —you just never know how they will reach you. In just the way He answers prayers, God has a funny way of developing our faith in the process.  Life comes at you fast.

I’ve always been one of those people who things just sort’ve happen for. You know — the one who things just flow in sequence. The degree, the job, the guy, the ring, the marriage, and all that jazz. Until the band quits, packs up, and leaves you standing alone, one strap sliding off your shoulder like a whore in the night.

This time, I had to work for what I wanted. See! He was doing a new thing. God had a plan for me. He knew the desires of my heart but he wasn’t going to hand me my dreams — as he’s given me so much before. I would have to work for what I wanted. This is true for work and it is true for love.

So, I returned to my writing. It’s always been something that has kept me grounded and sane. My writing is my art, my craft, my creative expression. It is what I do best — communicate. I was back to blogging, back to story-telling, back to social media and vlogging — grassroots and ground up. Your girl has heart and she knows how to hustle. My knack for story-telling secured an interview with an amazing non-profit, then another, then a follow up, then an offer. I am so geeked.

And, during the summer, I met a guy during an interview process that turned out more successfully for him than it did for me. When I met him, he was encouraging, motivating, interesting, and well-rounded. We had coffee yesterday. He invited me there on his birthday. He tells me I will see him again. I hope so. I’ve learned how to be open, how to bend with the wind, how to ebb, and how to flow.

As I sit here tonight, er, this morning, I can’t help but to read my old blogs and cry. I was so smart 10 years ago but I was so naive. The funny thing is I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t go back and un-live any of this life I’ve lived. It all happened for a reason. I would take those dead-end jobs because they grew me. I would date, marry, have my heart broken, and divorce my cheating ex all over again — because how would I know what I really want, deserve, and know what I am no longer willing to sacrifice in the name of love. How would I know true compatibility, requited love, and discernment if I never went through all the turmoil of the past two years and a very trying summer? I would have no testimony if it weren’t for  all these tests.

And now I am ready —so ready — to be on the other end of things. At least, I hope, for a while.

As I sit here and ponder which lights to string around my desk or whether buying a succulent makes me too millennial, I am appreciative for the tears and memories that paid me a visit tonight. Though uncomfortable, everything tugged at my heartstrings. And I’m reminded of my strength, my resiliency, and, above all else, my will to appreciate the process.

I look to the future expectantly — full of hunger for a life inspired by love, fortitude, and laughter. Sprinkled with just enough nostalgia on top so thatI don’t ever dare to forget how far I’ve come and all I’ve lost — and gained — to get here.

Godspeed, good people.

Advertisements

Decoding You

Decoding love for all is impossible. Decoding love for yourself is not.

As humans we make all kinds of mistakes all the time and we can only hope that we learn those lessons and learn something about ourselves. That is what is important.

I’ve fallen in love a few times. I am lucky I can say that. Now, how is that lucky?

Because I learned from them, didn’t matter whose fault it was or the reasons why they ended. They just did. Period. It was tremendous growth and has made me a better person for ME–so when the next (and hopefully last) partner comes in my life, I will be ready.

Albeit, I was definitely ready in my previous what was ‘the closest to a relationship I had’. Or so, those were his words (we did talk about exclusivity and he told me had no desire for any one else, but I digress).   To me, it was a wonderful time. I didn’t want to rush him and I never implied or pushed him. I was careful with my heart because I really liked him and our connection was truer than true. Almost too good. We had great communication, we had many things in common and in the things we didn’t we appreciated that about each other. We were never bored. We tried new things together. He was a gentleman and we never had an argument or a fight. The chemistry was on point and I felt safe with him.  It hurt me pretty awful when it ended. And it ended horribly. Being blindsided is something I do not wish on anyone. Some of it still stings today, but I know the real deal is out there for me. I am a catch! But I learned from this– I learned to read little red flags better, instead thinking that someone has pure intentions like me. I know there is such a person, I am one of them.

Anyhow, I was ready because I was single for a couple of years by choice.

Lets rewind to 2013: I had a horrible experience from that long term relationship and I decided after ending it that it was best that I take as much time needed to focus on me. While it was hard and I felt lonely sometimes, it was absolutely necessary. I got to do things and learn about myself without having to think about a boyfriend. During those long term relationship years, I was the girlfriend that put my boyfriend before me and that was a big mistake. It ended up making me resentful. I don’t wish to have that negative energy or any drama, so I needed that type of soul cleaning and truly love myself (until meeting someone over a year ago now changed my mind and my heart).

End of 2013-2015 and half of 2016: I am happy I had all that time to just figure things out on my own and live the life that I deserve.  2016, I was ready to have someone in my life again. Someone who was worth it and didn’t make me think twice about anything. Someone who was at my level in all aspects of that phrase “my level”. And I did last year around this time. He was great. He was amazing, until he was not. He failed because he wasn’t ready and he wanted to be selfish. There is nothing wrong with being selfish, just don’t hurt anyone in the process. Be a little less selfish and let the person go no matter how you feel about them. Easier said than done, I know but— Who knows, we could have met again when the timing is right for you and (you’d also would’ve given me the opportunity to do other things or meet ppl and I would have respected you so much more for respecting me). Still remain friends on social media. Still say nice things about you. Or miss you. But no. That didn’t happen because I deserve better. That is my conclusion. That is my closure.

When things between us ended, I was partyinggggggg like almost every day for a few months. LOL! I’ve met interesting new friends and men. I was even in a relationship (an actual one), and he was (and still is) good to me, but I wasn’t ready. There was no way I could just transfer the feelings I had for you to someone brand new just like that. Wasn’t fair to me nor to him. It wasn’t a rebound or someone for me to drop my baggage of you onto him. He is a genuine person and I wanted to genuinely see where it went.

Funny tho, when you’re not looking for love, that’s when it comes to you. That cliche is true.  And I’m talking about all kinds of love, not just the lovey-dovey romantic soulmate love. There’s family, friends, and whatever are your passions. So important to look into them and explore. Break up what doesn’t work for you and live for what does.

…I know I am.

 

 

 

 

 

Connect to only Disconnect

And a memory of you pops up..

Quotes from you:

  • “I haven’t felt this way in yearssss.”
  • “It feels so good to finally really connect with someone.”

I believed you without a doubt.

And then a quote also from you when I was blindsided:

  • “I’m an idiot.”

…Why yes, yes you are.

 

He will always remember

 

He will always remember how alive you made him feel;

how you made sure to wear his favorite perfume

and the way it lingered when you left the room;

the softness of your body, fresh from the shower and the way you smelled of lemongrass, cane sugar, and green tea — refreshing! Because you loved to make things for yourself.

He will always remember the way you laughed after he told a joke;

the perfect circle your lips made as you blew, to cool, his food before you handed over the spoon;

the way your eyes smiled “Good morning, baby!” at sunrise in the morning.

He will always remember your voice on the other end of the line as he discussed nothing during his break from work.

He will always remember how you cheered for his favorite sports teams and how your flip flops kicked up rain water as he tried to cover you both with a single-person umbrella;

how you held his hand while teaching him how to two-step under the light of the moon.

He will always remember how you discussed politics over coffee and would stop to hold doors for strangers who never thanked you in return — he always admired your selflessness.

He will always remember how he wondered what you’d do if you knew he’d saved her number again;

the way he hid his deception, was lax with protection, and threw everything you’d built with him away.

He will always remember how you made him feel alive and how his favorite perfume lingered as you packed up your things and walked away.

— Written by Asha

 

 

What is Love Person Place or Thing? 

I am so happy to be apart of a blog like this. Maybe now we can come to a consensus about what Love really is!! 

Its been formulated that the Eskimo people have about 50 words for snow. Snow being a huge part of their lives, they developed different words to describe the variations that they encountered. I believe we should dissect Love and have descriptions of the each subtle nuisance found in it. But would that take away from the beauty of it? I don’t know. Is snow still beautiful to Eskimos??

Love is one of the greatest mysteries and equally one of the most necessary components of human existence. 

Some say Love is an emotion that you feel. Other attest that Love is a conscious decision made in the brain and not the heart. And still others, who say Love makes you crazy, irrational, foolhardy even. Several swear love is a pitfall; a trap they fooled around and fell into. 

Is love the journey or the destination in this  quest to find happiness? Is it the battlefield or the weapon we use in war?

“Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.” – Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

 Cool. So, where can we get some of this crazy little, many splendored, thing called love? Is it mined from the stony hearts of men? Or is it like energy only to be lossed or gained? Is it priceless or worthless? Is it better to store it up or give it away?

And when I find this love is it mine to keep? Should I share it with just my “loved” ones or is it for everybody? Or is it just for one person solely in that bond that should never be broken? Is there such a thing as too much love, and how much do I have, anyway?

A lot of questions.  I WANT ANSWERS lol. Seriously though, I look forward to discovering more about the topic through this blog and our conversations from it. I’m ready to see the different versions of love manifest themselves from within the writers and I’m excited for my personal evolution as a lover and a writer.

– Adrian Campbell of Theoryvillage

It Is What It Is

To those who have asked; No, we are not a new blog but we are starting fresh.

We have other posts on here—all recently made private— some of them were too raw and also the fear of judgement as friends and family can find this blog. Some of us have been through recent heartache and it sucked really bad. “It was bad, bad, bad” as someone recently said.

But it’s OK— words will still flow here. Our poetry and songs will be shared here. And we will remain anonymous (for the most part).

Your thoughts and feedback are welcome here..

We look forward to sharing with you more soon.

Until then….

 

 

 

Still and Now

Still and Now

A Song By Midtown Savage (Blog Contributor)

Crazy how wisdom evolves in life
Sometimes I wonder what’s the purpose
and how to get past the strife

I know I’m not the only one; others can relate
But this time I’m speaking up; I won’t hesitate
We can’t go against the truths; they won’t dissipate
No time for “what ifs” but we can better communicate

Old love doing new things in the Navy
Old friend Christmas flashbacks in Haiti
Forgot about a hypocrite in New York
Until years later she butt-dialed me when I don’t have her number any more

“Hello?”

I used to have a stalker
Following me around like a “Walker”
He’s not coming back; he’s dead
And I’m alive; already way ahead

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

Rest in Peace to a Beauty at nineteen
I’ll never forget who you were and who you still are
The true Queen
My bright shining star

For the last few “single” years
I’m doing me with no fears
Then recently I met you, a lesson in disguise
Here I am ready to love, imagine my surprise
The rug pulled from underneath
I was lied to, a Saint Peter’s wreath

You’re solely the one to blame
Selfish, you played a game
Not a word, nothing, nada
Radio silence, you failed like the Spanish Armada

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

I’ve moved on, my talents bloom
My heart in colors; in song
Ugliness and negativity, there’s no room
We don’t get along

Life has a beautiful way to remind you who was always there
Lessons learned, blessings received, breaths of fresh air
For the love and support, I’m thankful
For my strength and integrity, I’m grateful

Only new love by the book
Smart, fun, and sexy good looks
Love those dimples, baby, my little heart crook

Time does help with what you’ve been thru
Reminder, there are more adventures to look forward to

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

Still and now laugh about the sweet times tho’
Still and now smile about the good times, beau

My Truth

Oh you know.. just daydreaming.

Dear —,

I want to kiss you, feel our bodies warmth–our touch. I want to fall and rise in love with my best friend. Ride off into the sunset together and come home to each other. I want a family, sure I do–whether it ends up just being me and you or miracles of our own, I am happy. Whatever happens to either one of us or both of us we are each other’s support system. Let’s get married and love each other in every way possible. Kiss my entire body. Kiss your entire body. Worship our bodies. Nourish each other’s souls. Faithful, loyal, trust and sheer will is in my blood–offer me the same.

Be absolutely ridiculously happy.

Love,

Elena